My Journey With Cannabis Toward a Lighter Way of Living
The first true experience I had with cannabis was in my late teens. In high school, I had a handful of people I knew who had smoked cannabis before. They always have the whole “Say no to drugs!” bullshit in school. You know the one, where they show you pictures of drug addicts and tell you that’s what will happen to you. I must admit I never once believed that cannabis would do any of the things they said it would. Being in the Bible Belt, I pretty much assumed most things I was taught were highly exaggerated because eternal damnation was on the line.
“[A week after my introduction to the stoner world I was pulled over and arrested for possession. I’m sure you can imagine how well that went over with my mother.]”
After many years of having less than stellar “parents,” I was a little damaged, and cannabis started to seem more and more enticing. So, what does any 17-year-old with a horrible parent-child relationship and years of sexual trauma do? We find a stranger who can get us what we want. Long story short, I spent my 17th birthday higher than Jesus, eating my body weight in food at Denny’s, and checking out animals at the pet store.
Yes, It Is Indeed Ironic
A week after my introduction to the stoner world I was pulled over and arrested for possession. I’m sure you can imagine how well that went over with my mother. This experience sent me on a path of prescription drug abuse and self-destruction. I truly don’t know how I came out alive. There were nights I didn’t think I would wake up. When I got clean, doctors and psychiatrists told me weed was what made me a drug addict, but I still didn’t believe them. I had my experience, and I knew better than what they were telling me.
In the years following my arrest, I got married, pregnant, and separated, then moved halfway across the country. My love affair with the green goddess had been on pause for some time, but, just like a faithful lover, she came back to me - and oh, how sweet she was.
There was a beautiful woman I met who changed my life. Her personality was electric. She was gorgeous, bubbly, successful, and established - and she was the biggest stoner I had ever met. I remember my daughter was sick and had to be hospitalized the day I bought my first eighth from her.
That day is burned into my brain for the rest of my life. I remember looking out the pediatric unit window, then looking back at my helpless, almost limp child. I felt empty. For the first time, I felt absolutely nothing. Then, the thought crossed my mind. I have weed at home… When I get home none of this will matter anymore, and I can smoke.
At that time in my life, I felt like I was in a living hell. I worked so much that I never got to see my daughter awake. I wasn’t eating, and liquor had become my best friend. My boss threatened to fire me every other week and had people following me around work. I felt as though I had no escape from my circumstances, but cannabis was always there for me to take a mental break from it all. While I don’t necessarily recommend using it to escape your life, that is exactly what I did. For a long time, it worked for me rather well.
Allowing the Space for Healing
Then along came my current partner, Brad. When I met him, the way in which I used cannabis changed dramatically. Through him I was able to quit my job and become the stay-at-home mom I didn’t know I wanted to be. I decided that having all of this newfound extra time was the perfect excuse to finally relax a little. At that point, the occasional cannabis use became my therapy. Not in a self-discovery way, but more so in a way that allowed for the deepest level of relaxation I had ever experienced. After a year or so of relaxing my nervous system, the traumas I had experienced began to bubble up.
I had some very deep unhealed wounds that were wrecking my life and my relationship. I feel so bad that I let it get as horrible as it did. Luckily Brad stuck with me, and I’m better off for it. If I didn’t have the space and time at home to allow those feelings to come whenever they wanted, I would have never healed from them.
The thing for me with cannabis and trauma is, it doesn’t make the trauma go away. What it does is slightly dull the emotional response to it. That allows me to see the trauma almost from a third-party view, and to process the information fully so that I can then accept it. It doesn’t mean I don’t cry, but oftentimes our emotions can be so strong that we can’t fully see what is going on. If we can take that wall down to see the bigger picture we can heal.
“[Thankfully, because of cannabis, I was able to avoid opioids and my second baby was born healthy and strong.]”
During my second pregnancy, I began using cannabis as a medicine. I had nerve pain in addition to “normal” pregnancy pain because my expanding uterus was being ripped open as a result of the cesarean birth I had with my first baby. I couldn’t have made it through my second pregnancy without the pain relief cannabis provided. It made my discomfort manageable, because when you have a toddler you can’t just lay down and rest as you please when it comes to pain management. Thankfully, because of cannabis, I was able to avoid opioids and my second baby was born healthy and strong.
Relaxing My Way into Other Realms
I recently journeyed through a three-week tolerance break, and then had yet another beautiful reunion with my cannabis queen. The experience was the most intense mental shift I’ve ever had. Now, maybe it was the Oklahoma heat, but I left this realm and found myself nestled in between dimensions. The relaxation was so real it felt like I died. I was floating in a place I had never been before, and haven’t been since. I could hear my partner talking in the far background, but I felt like I was receiving a mental download of masses of information from another dimension.
Once again, my relationship with cannabis transformed. I had been using cannabis as an aid in my meditation practice before the break, so maybe something about THC is a cue for my brain to swap into a meditative state. There is a chance that what I experienced had nothing to do with cannabis. Regardless, I think cannabis holds a powerful key to unlock mental experiences that are far beyond our ability to understand.
Cannabis is for Everything
I truly do mean everything. Cannabis has changed my life, as well as who I am as a person - and all for the better. I am almost convinced there isn’t anything in the world cannabis can’t help with. Is this 100 percent true? There is no way to know for sure, but, in my life, this has proven to be the case, and it will continue to be the case.
There is nothing better than lighting up a bowl with my man after he gets home and simply enjoying each other’s company, and there is no feeling that compares to how proud I am of myself when I smoke and have positive conversations and experiences with my kids that I may have never had otherwise. After battling through years of trauma, enjoying a life of pleasure with my family is everything and more to me, and I have cannabis to thank for this gift of ultimate gratitude.
